"BOYS BEING BOYS"

By Dr. Ron Rubadeay, Phd.
Superintendant of Schools, 
Central Okanagan School District #23
Kelowna, B.C 

	He's the ideal husband - sensitive, expressive and masculine. It seems,
however, that the experts in human development now believe that the creation
of one of these beings may be near impossible, as boys must first adhere to
the stereotype of their gender before they can even think about acquiring
the emotions of their female counterparts.
	According to Harvard psychologist William Pollack, boys have difficulty
going beyond the traditional role because they suffer the aftereffects of
premature separation from their mothers. Pollack theorizes that mothers,
fearful that their son's close relationship with them will result in shame
and disapproval from their son's peers, disconnect with their boys too early
in life. As a result, boys fail to be tutored by their mothers to express
themselves emotionally. When they grow up, they are withdrawn creatively and
physically and become stoic, uncommunicative and emotionally invulnerable.
	Michael Gurian, a Spokane therapist, offers an alternative view of boys and
suggests that separation from mom is normal early in life. Problems,
however, arise when women cling to their sons far too long. Additionally, he
feels that society pathologizes men by setting males against female role
models and then identifying the differences as faults. Gurian claims that
the daily surges of testosterone cause boys to be emotionally dominant,
physically aggressive, and quick to solve their problems. As a consequence,
the only one who can help a boy reach his potential and discover his softer
side is not mom, but a male who can teach honor, compassion, integrity and
respect for women.
	While Pollack and Gurian have very different views about why boys are the
way they are, they both agree that boys are in a crisis from emotional
undernourishment. And even though our society often views boys as the devil
incarnate, it seems that boys are far more fragile than many adults realize.
Both psychologists point to an array of statistics to back up their point;
boys are twice as likely as girls to be victims of violent crimes, twice as
likely as girls to suffer from mental illness, and five times more likely
than girls to commit suicide. But if we know the nature of the toxic in our
boys, is there an antidote?
	To create a normal male, they assert more guidance is needed than to raise
a fully functioning female. The trick in raising boys, however, is to get
beyond the 'boy code' to let boys express themselves, both verbally and in
other creative ways. This, Pollack and Gurian feel, is achieved by
'boy-specific nurturing ' techniques in which adults engage young males in
an action-oriented activity that will lead to conversation rather than using
direct 'how do you feel?' questions. For boys to stay connected with both
mom and dad, dads have to do more of the rearing and mentoring.   Clans
(such as scouts), teachers and coaches that support male bonding, and
rituals such as fishing and ball games must occur on a regular basis if
parents want to stay in touch with their sons.
	Whether you subscribe to Pollack's 'emotional repression' theory or
Gurian's 'mother possessive' theory, raising boys to be other than the
traditional stereotype may require that moms and dads adopt different roles.
In addition to mom's jobs as the clothes buyer, the dinner maker, the toy
picker-upper and the chauffeur, moms may also have to become the fastball
catcher, the ski boat driver and the paintball shooter. Dads, on the other
hand, may also have to become readers, listeners, birthday card writers, and
concert goers. It may be a novel twist to the mom/dad job, but if we want to
grow boys who are hard as steel and at the same time soft on feelings, then
we're going to have to consider doing business in a new way. If we don't,
our male offspring will be a steady supply of the past. That would be a
shame for everyone, as we already have an over supply of aggressive,
non-communicative and insensitive young men.